Forgiveness

For several nights, I have been continuously haunted by a series of similar dreams. I have been dreaming about my oldest sister's death. I was very happy in the scene. I was even planning to hold a party and go to church to thank God for taking out their (together with her irresponsible husband's) lives. In that way, I wouldn't have to spend time, effort and money to have them killed.

For the thousands of injuries my sister has carved on my mom's heart, for being an ungrateful daughter and sister, for being a selfish mother to her kids, for solely being an unessential piece of a person in this society, I can't forgive her and I'm wishing for her death.

I know this is not right. Of course I couldn't kill them, nor any other person, nor pay somebody to do it. The shameful and disappointing experiences my mom had been into are already enough. But I'm looking forward to see her lying inside the coffin, long before I could feel myself rising from my dead body. At that time, I wouldn't grieve, not even shed a drop of tear. With her death, I would reach my nirvana instead.

Shame on her when she disowned us once. Shame on us when she did it to us more than thrice. Fate made her my sister. Her wrong choice made me her worst enemy. Forgiveness should only be granted to those who sincerely apologized and never commit the same mistake again. For a prodigal daughter like her, a daughter who consumed much of our mom's time, resources and emotions and brought back lots of heartaches, the only party that she deserves for her next comeback would be her funeral. That'd be the only time that I would be so excited to accept her. And I'll make sure I could give her the most beautiful wreath I could afford. And then, she'll be out of our lives... for good.

Check the Dictionary

To Edward Raymund Cruz, Elridge Ray Tan Bibera and other ignorant people out there, check this out. I intentionally wrote your full name to warn the public that there are still ignorant professionals like you who exist. Second is that in case you'll be bored and think of searching your name in Google, you'll be able to stumble upon this entry.

al·ter·nate
Pronunciation: US and Canadian 'ol-t&r-n&t also 'al-; chiefly British ol-'t&r-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin alternatus, past participle of alternare, from alternus alternate, from alter (homophone of altar)

1. : occurring or succeeding by turns (a day of alternate sunshine and rain)
   
2. a : arranged first on one side and then on the other at different levels or points along an axial line -- compare OPPOSITE b : arranged one above or alongside the other
   
3. : every other : every second (he works on alternate days)
   
4. : constituting an alternative (took the alternate route home)
   
5. : ALTERNATIVE 3
   - al·ter·nate·ly adverb

Pronunciation Symbols
\o\ as aw in law
\&r\as ur/er in further
\&\ as a and u in abut
\a\ as a in ash
\ä\ as o in mop
\A\ as a in ace

So, it's never \äl-t&r-nAt\. Also, you never say \äl-redI\ for already or \älrayt\ for alright. Right?

Narcissism and Politics

Indeed, politics is the show business of ugly people. It's evident in everything I see in Metro Manila. Even banners congratulating the graduates or greeting everybody a merry Christmas require a councilor's face attached to it, never mind if the messages are barely readable as long as their big horrible faces are printed. In the first place, the so-called "public service" is just the secondary agenda. They just want publicity and posting those kinds of "ads" is merely telling the public that they are visible and they're worthy to be re-elected.

Conclusion, if you are narcissistic but you can't be a star, run for a public position.

Transamerica

Yesterday afternoon, as I was, again, suffering from my sleeping disorder, I decided to view some movies from my newly-bought pirated (shame) DVD. There are eight movies in that disc and I thought of viewing them in order. The other day, I watched All About Love with Jennifer Love Hewitt and it's the type that I would watch and then forget everything about it.

Then there's Transamerica. As an apathetic person, I never heard about it so I didn't expect something from it at all only to find out that it was entertaining.

It's a story about Sabrina "Bree" Osborne (Felicity Huffman), formerly Stanley, a very excited soon-to-be-female male who receives an unexpected call from some fruit of his/her past - his/her son, Toby (Kevin Zegers), who's imprisoned for hustling on the streets of New York. It was only then that he/she knew that he/she had fathered a son when he/she was still a he. He/she is compelled by his/her psychiatrist to bail this kid out and give him a better life.

Initially, he/she plans to take him back to Colorado, where his stepfather lives (since his mother already died) and just leave him there. Unexpected things happen which lead them to a road trip from New York, to Colorado, to New Mexico and back to his/her place in Los Angeles. Of course, he/she doesn't have the nerve to say to the kid that he/she is his father.

Their getting-to-know-each-other bonding moments happen along their journey. Toby's dark past is revealed, his being an addict, a hustler, etc., and so is Bree's course-hopping.

Complications start when he/she stops by his/her parents' house. It's kind of ironic since it is usually the father who gets so upset whenever he finds out that his son is a she but in this movie, it is the mother who's worse than disappointed the father was very much OK. Anyways, the situation warrants for Bree to tell the truth to Toby about his/her true being.

The biggest conflict in the story is not Bree against his/her son nor with his/her family and the people around. Instead, it is the conflict against himself/herself. The moral of the story is that one could never be really happy and can't move forward if he's not able to confront his past.

-o0o-

What really amazed me is Felicity's face and body. She really looks like she's gay (including the scene when he peed and his penis was shown). It's more than an ordinary movie for me, a no ordinary gender-sensitive movie. I guess it's not shown in theaters here in Manila and it's a shame. It deserves much appreciation than any other overly hyped flicks around which could only offer the same-as-useless-but-slightly-twisted plots.

Inahan

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY TO ALL MOMS OUT THERE!

Today isn't a special day. This is a very special day. I don't know what else to say.

This is the article that I've submitted for kiwibox on March 19, 2005. In the actual article, I lied a bit just to make it timely for the celebration of the International Women's Month. But here is the real one. Just feel free to read on.

We recently celebrated International Women’s Day. It is just so timely to write this article since we are also honoring women in the entire world, and undeniably, our mothers are heroines in their own respective rights. I hope that this is a small way of paying homage to the sweat and blood that they have shed for us.

Most of us might have argued with our mother at least once when we were growing up. Blame it on generation gaps or anything else you want, but they've been there. Generally, the world that they lived in before we were born is quite a bit more conservative than the ones we have grown up in. I know I was one of those adolescents who, every single day, would get irritated, answer back and even disrespect my mother just because I felt that she crippled my wings in order for me to fly and breathe another kind of air. But fortunately, I’ve grown up to be a man, a mature one, who has realized that what she had done for me was for my betterment.

My mom performed a dual role for the family since I was three. My dad died without leaving us any centavo. His family even suggested to her that my two sisters and I be adopted by another family in order to lighten her burden. But instead of giving up, she opted to raise us alone, exerting everything she's got, more than five times before, and here she is, reaping the fruits of her labor — one a mother, the other a successful government employee and me, a licensed ECE.

Like my mother, yours have also put forth enormous efforts in order to give you life. I know I sound so preachy but they deserve appreciation from us. Let me enumerate some of them.

To start with, we cannot deny that they had carried us in their wombs for nine months, or a little less in some cases. Regardless of whether they pampered us, just didn’t care anything about their health at that time or even attempted to abort us, they still managed to carry it out and bring us into the world. At that point in time, they felt the agony of physical pain, risking their lives just to give it to us, and some even offered their entire lives just to make us exist.

Then it continued with the sleepless nights of singing countless lullabies while rocking us in their arms. We cannot remember those moments, but still their touch has lingered on us. They may have complained during those times when they had to wake up in the midst of their slumber just to feed us milk to quench our hunger, but they did it.

Our moms were our support when we were growing up. Most of us were taken to and from school by our mothers. They were the ones who would get nervous and would panic during school plays or competitions. I couldn’t forget how I cried on her shoulders when I didn’t qualify for the final round in a quiz bee when I was in first grade. She was the one who encouraged me to give my best next time, challenging me that I have the capacity to win and I felt she didn’t lose her confidence in me until I won in Grade IV. I know most of you have also experienced the same thing.

Then their emotional torture commenced when we became teenagers. They want us to do the right thing while we preferred to go the other way, experimenting other methods. They might have hurt us physically but they are the ones who felt more pain than we did. They gave us freedom, and when we fail, we still run to them for refuge.

Who constantly prays for us when we don’t have time for God? Who prepares our bags when we go camping or on a trip? Who cooks the best recipe for us and for our friends? Who defends us whenever our father reprimands us? It is our mom who has done all of these.

A number of my classmates in basic school were going astray. Some of them became pregnant before graduating. Others failed to graduate on time in college because they were hooked on drugs. Some just didn’t care about their lives. Constant communication with them tells me that they had finally survived those trials with the help of one person who understands and accepts them no matter what differences they possess and faults they have committed — their mom.

Miss Universe 1994, Sushmita Sen, aptly said, "To be born a woman is by itself a great gift of God, and we must all appreciate it. The origin of a child is a mother and it is the woman that teaches a man how to love care and share; that is the essence of a woman."

Evaluating my life, I’ve realized that I couldn’t have grown to be a better man without my mom’s guidance. I’ve realized more that her being so strict on me was for a good reason — to mould me into the best person that I could be while keeping me on track.

Gone are the days that I misunderstood my mom. This is the time for me to give back what she had shared to me. This time it’s sweeter and bigger. I’m lucky to have her.

As for the rest of you, it’s never too late to build a bridge with your mom. She is the reason why you exist. Honor her, defend her, and most of all, love her, for if you don't, who else will?