Fertile

Congratulations! We have some additions to our family. It's not only one but two.

Lingling is four months pregnant. I'm not surprised. She has a boyfriend and I had been warning her ever since to be careful. See what happened?

Ate Eden is three months delayed. What's funnier is her boyfriend is a black African who's skin is as black as a carabao. If she's really pregnant, I can't imagine how the kid looks like. I can imagine Gwen and Dylan's faces when they see that kid. Que horror. I've told Mom before to have ate ligated but she said no. I should know how my sister behaves sexually. She's like a dog. Now what happened? Worse is, the guy ran away and my sister's boss had no other option but to send her back home.

I should feel sorry for my Mom and my sister but no. I had been warning them ever since. WE had been warning them to check the guy's background first, to be, at least, choosy in looking for a mate (no matter what we say, complexion and looks are very important to us). They never listened. They thought we're some antagonists who don't want to have their happiness.

What I'm concerned about is the future of my three kids. Mom decided to have Janus and Gwen transferred to the public school. I know the quality of education in public schools. If you're not in the cream section, you're busted. And Janus needs a lot of help. I don't know what's in store for these children. God help them.

Tipsy

Tipsy

Cyber Bully Part 2

Have you even been tagged by a so-called "friend" for some products that he is selling? Isn't it irritating when you have to untag yourself from those perfumes, fake bags, house and lot and all other things this commercialized world has to offer? Don't you feel being befriended only because you're only a target market and that your friends are also potential buyers from the said online store?

Now this case is worse. If you're fat and you're tagged for a slimming capsule, or you're dark-skinned and you're tagged for some glutathione and other whitening cosmetics, or if you're pimple-infested and you're tagged for these things that offer a smooth skin in you, don't you feel insulted? What's more hurtful is that everybody in your friend's list is seeing that you're tagged and this seller [un]consciously tells this whole worldwide web that you badly need these products.

For so many weeks, I've seen a trend in my facebook network. I don't care about those apparels. They don't do you harm. But for these "beauty" products, it's a different story. Finally, I got the courage to speak up. I posted a status deliberately stating my opposition to this act.

Kung ako ay itatag ng isang "kaibigan" para sa mga produktong pampaputi, pampakanis ng balat at pampapayat, lagot sa akin ang taong yan. That is one of the rudest and most insensitive things to do.

But then again, posting my status won't do any change to the person doing it. I checked his profile but he restricted receiving private messages to his friends only. I thought I was hopeless but when I saw his contact numbers in the pictures where he tagged my friends, I sent him a text message:

hi! do u know that tagging those plus-sized people in your slimming product is the rudest and most insensitive way of marketing. u're putting them in public humiliation letting the entire world know that they are fat. have some respect. i hope u are good-looking and slim coz if ure not, that would really be a shame on u. come up with a better marketing strategy!

I just hope this will stop. Facebook is there to build friendships, to have long lost friends communicate and for everybody to have fun. Let's get rid of those trash. They really are garbage and won't merit a point for world peace.

I thank you.

The Bald Star*

Have you observed that most of the funny people are single, ugly, old and gay? I am… still single. And I am… not yet menopausal. The hardest part about making people laugh is to make fun of your own imperfection. While it works for some, it doesn't work for someone as perfect as I am.

You might be thinking that my head is bigger than the normal size but it's perfectly designed this way. Your head is the most important body part because it has your face and your face defines if you're ugly or beautiful. I'm not beautiful... not yet. But I'm not ugly either. Call me ugly... and I’ll call you uglier.

Duh! My skin is flawless, my eyes are deep-set. And my hair... what hair? Where's my hair? It’s not really colorless. It’s just not necessary because God puts hair only in places where you should be ashamed of. And I’m so proud of my head that I even gave it a theme song – A Whole New World – it’s shiny, shimmering, splendid.

So if others believe that the hair is one’s crowning glory, I beg to disagree, not because I don’t have it but because even without it, my head is still perfect the way it is. Let me tell you why.

First, I wake up with no tangles, split ends nor bad hair days. And I get to save a lot from shampoos, especially anti-lice shampoos. This contest has stressed me a lot... but I had nothing to lose. While others have to spend time thinking whether their hairstyle is parted or unparted, I don't care because my hair has departed.

Second, it emphasizes a lot of great features on my face. Once I went to the spa. The girl beside wanted her extensions as long as mine. She was referring to my… eyelashes. A foxy lady got attracted to my high-bridged nose and my well-defined jawbone. That’s Grace Paras. That's her pleading me to reveal who my cosmetic surgeon is. Excuse me Grace? Everything in my face is natural. Pardon me for sounding so conceited. At least I’m not a liar. I'm even feeling the envy that you're feeling towards me right now thinking that God is so unfair that He has given me everything - including baldness. Whoa! I feel like a demigod! I even hear girls saying “Daddy, I want my boy toy to be as cutie as Thirdie!”

Once the manager of Svenson begged on his knees asking me to be their image model. Could you imagine the hot, ravishing and drop-dead gorgeous guy named Third Catayoc flaunting his face in billboards along EDSA. That’ll surely cause a heavy traffic beating all the abs of Jake Cuenca. All the desperate housewives will be clamoring for my poster… not to scare the rats out of their houses… but to cover their husbands’ hideous faces.

Baby Luat offered to me, from her tiangge, a supposedly imported Maine and Tail shampoo. Gina Mapua warned me. “No Third. She just scrounged it from Divisoria. She just wants to have your money.” I said “No Gina! She wants to have my body!” But wait here’s more, if you call Vic Navales right now, you get a bonus that is absolutely free and that is being told that bald is beautiful. In fact, he assured me that baldness made him attractive to women... and also to men.

Third, baldness makes me shine. I was unanimously awarded “The Sunniest Personality,” “The Shining Crystal Ball” and the “Well-Rounded Student” but come on! I can do better than those minor awards. As the one with the biggest head, I was the Megamind. I’m the class valedictorian. And of course, the perennial class Prince Charming. Can I help it if I feel more popular than Jet Li, Bruce Lee, and even Wilson Lee?

Fellow Toastmasters and friends, your hair isn’t always your crowning glory. Look at me! I still look glorious without my hair. You can make something out of nothing. I don’t care if I look like a roll-on deodorant or Humpty Dumpty who sat on the wall! What matters is that I feel as hot as Derek Ramsey or as neat as Mr. Clean, or even as controversial as the bottomline Boy Abunda. Ha ha ha ha!

After all, I’m not just a star. I am... a bald star.

_________________

* Exact piece delivered in the 2011 District 75 Conference held on April 30, 2011 at the Manila Ocean Park