I Deserve

I deserve a job, much more than
stupid clients who can only say Sorry and Thank You
speaking English like a force of habit without sincerely delivering those memorized lines
apologizing for something I don't mean and never did in the first place

I deserve a supervisor
who not only sees my capabilities
not only laughs with me
but looks at me with much depth and sees beyond my superficial laughs
and also bonks me in the head when I need to work my ass
who KNOWS how to motivate me

I deserve to be a star on TV who
can make people laugh with my sarcasm and wit
enriches people's mind power by providing them facts
unravels big personalities' other sides during some vis-a-vis contacts
look better than Boy Abunda, Kim Atienza and Arnold Clavio

I deserve to be on hiatus
where I cease to exist
where I can sublimate
annihilate

I deserve to see my Dad
Not with his blurry images in my dreams
But see him and touch him
And talk with him in flesh
And cry out to him and feel his hug until I'd feel fine

I deserve to lie on a white sand
sleep all day under the sun
as its beams kiss my fair skin
and wake up burnt but satisfied

I deserve to start scribbling my pen
and write a book with some funny random thoughts
or start my screenplay
or even just a short telemovie.

I deserve to sing and act on stage
where I can be a son of a bitch extraordinaire villain
or a gorgeously fragile protagonist
where I get a standing ovation
during the curtain call

I deserve to be a kid again
play patintero along the streets with my friends
or shout shatoooooooooo until I lose my breath
or hide where the it can't see me
or that bahug-baog, or slipper game or whatever
or even as safe as sungka or jackstone

I deserve to be a great speaker
inspiring people with my personal story
hearing my name being called by the chair
receiving my trophy of being the champion
getting blinded by camera flashes

I deserve a pretty petite chink-eyed girl
who can sweep me off my feet with her fluency
and impeccable grammar
playful enough to take me away from the bondage of my stiffness
who can make me laugh and feel light after a stressful day

I deserve a time with my kids
where they raid my room and silently awaken me by just standing beside me
and staring at me
or play with them at the park
or have some photoshoots with them, play dress up and let them emote
finish all the fries, pancakes, fried bananas and everything I cook
and play with the baby powder, or pillows, or what have you

I deserve what I deserve more
and most of all, I deserve because I deserve
a life other people who deserve less.

Silence

... may also mean no. Strike three. No answer. And the moment that I've been waiting for to, at least, let me express what I feel, was disregarded. I'm not insensitive. I don't need to push myself to somebody who doesn't want to waste her time listening to a sales speech of a man who wants to be loved back.

So there I was, decided to stroll around Megamall with my teammate until my feet got weary. I slept on the bus while on my way home and when I reached SM Nork, I pigged out for family-sized pizza from Greenwich. The cashier's face drew some surprise when she learned that I'd be eating it alone. I'm depressed so my stomach keeps on secreting gastric juices.

I asked the crew to clean the table for me. He wiped it. I saw a grain of rice left on the table with some moist areas and some undesirable odor left. I said CLEAN. Never mind. I didn't want to make a scene. After all, it's Greenwich so it's not expected of them to be CLEAN.

So I ate. No, I devoured each of the slices in just three bites. That's how hungry I appeared. No emotions on my face. I just ate. A young girl looked at me and smiled. I stared at her for a few seconds, and tried to give my "truest" smile. I tried. For the effin essence of this commercialized season, I tried.

I finished eating the entire pizza in less than 10 minutes. I drank my Sprite that has already lost its dissolved carbon dioxide because some stupid fastfood staff don't know the solubility property of a gas in a liquid that they decide to serve it before the food.

I left the place, strolled around the mall, and checked the sling bag that I wanted. It's not that great-looking after all. There are only a few compartments and it's only at 10% off. There'll be more sale next time. So I went to this boutique where I've spotted the fedora hat that I've seen more than a month ago. It's still there in its exact rack, waiting for me to purchase it. And it's half the original price. I tried it, I look good at it, so I bought it.

I walked back home, did my laundry, cleaned my room and prepared more mango float for later. Now I'm in my room, contemplating on what happened this day. I'm supposed to be sad but I'm making myself busy to not think of my sadness.

My friends say it's okay to cry and it's not healthy to hold back what I feel. So here I am, with my lacrimal gland ready to release its first drop of fluid through my eyes. And since I'm tired, I must hit the sack, crying myself to sleep, until the last drop will wash away the pain I have felt inside. And my pillow will only be the one to comfort me until I wake up anew, with high hopes that I'd still believe in love, in ever after, and in true happiness.

Goodnight world!

Stone

Suppression is my game. If there's something I've really learned a lot from my CAT and ROTC officership training, it's about keeping your emotions to yourself.

It's been years since I haven't cried. I laugh and I laugh out loudly. I get mad and get furious. But crying isn't my thing nor do I express love and appreciation. It's because I have the heart of stone and a stone-hearted body is all I need to shield myself from any emotional stress that I may encounter in the future.

If there's something that could change me, it must be love. But love is something that I can't have. Not from the girl I like, or maybe love, or choose to not love, unless, otherwise, I will get out from the bondage of this pretension.

Mama

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry that I can't go home for your birthday tomorrow. It's so sad because I've been annually looking forward to celebrate your big day with me doing all the preparations, cooking, dragging you to the salon to have a makeover, buying you new stuff.

But what you taught me was to have a sense of responsibility. That there are still other things that I need to be responsible of other than my family. And that is what I'm doing now. I need to stay here to work and stay with my job because I need to work for my own future.

I could have told you I feel sad now because my heart starts beating again. Sad because things are getting complicated. I don't want to be a part of a competition where my heart is at stake. You told me I need to take courage in everything that I do. I grew up being confident, I won many competitions, people saw me as the most confident person who they have bumped into. But I am insecure when it comes to love. I feel I'm not even an inch compared to any other guys around. I hope you could pray for me. That someday, I'll be over this feeling, if it's not really something that comes from Him. And if this is really love, then I hope I could endure everything and be triumphant in the end.

I miss you Ma. You don't tell me vocally how you love me but it is in your loud voice and piercing eyes where I feel I'm home. It is in your silence where I feel your cradle. I wish I could just go home and hear you remind me of things indirectly when I fail to get out of my room because of mere desperation.

Happy birthday Ma and happy holidays!


With all my heart,

Your Third

Ert

So I have enabled Timeline in Facebook. And this is my cover photo.

On Stage

Once upon a rainy and gloomy late Sunday afternoon, when usually lazy butts opted to sulk in their rooms, perky Trenders’ minds were preoccupied with ideas on what to wear, how to look and what to expect for a weekend party. We had to swerve from our usual routines of attending late afternoon church activities and head towards the altars of Rihanna, Justin Bieber and Chris Brown.

Rainy day on a Sunday certainly makes me down but not on December 4. I thought of throwing tantrums in my room for having that bed weather – of all the seven days of the week! I even thought of not going to the party at all but thinking about the free food, savoring every inch of the fun, bonding with newly found friends in the company, and seeing the girl who I consider as the watermelon of my wide eyes, I think those are enough reasons to get myself kicking. But wait here’s more! If I would be present in the entire duration of the event, I would have the chance to win the Macbook that I have been salivating for all this time. So while praying to all the Gods to make all the cosmos align and reverse the water cycle, I had to prep up, shine my shoes, iron my clothes, and get ready for my much-awaited moment of witnessing the so-called grand party of the company.

So there I was, one of those excited spirits who braved the strong winds and challenged the rain in order to reach the office before 3pm. On the 11th floor, online and Premium engineers were still dealing with their clients while the dancers were still polishing their every move on the 9th floor. Props folks were still sewing those costumes and building those props. I thought to myself, “Could they put up a good show?” Anyway, the Momordica charantia in me shouldn’t care about them. I should only focus on what I could do, and what I could have.

Buses were provided to accommodate the hundreds of concert spectators to make the far-flung city of Pasay more accessible. Finally, after a strong battle with nature’s precipitation, and the heavy traffic, we got to SMX at almost 5pm.

Impact

Sound and lights checks were performed hours before the show. Early birds got a preview of the musical numbers because the performers had to do their blocking. Some carpenters and props men were still even roaming around. Thank goodness to the presence of prompt employees, who were in their concert best attires, waiting for the program to start wasn’t made boring.

The show officially commenced at past 7pm. After the program hosts Rosabelle Castillo-Bala and Juven Edillor welcomed the crowd with some bland opening salvo, dinner was served in numerous buffet tables, with wide choices of delicacies for the herbi, carni, and omnivores. While Trenders were busy fulfilling their gastronomic needs, last year’s Trender’s Got Talent Champion, our very own, “No Drama” filled the air with pop and alternative songs. Winners of the minor prizes were also flashed on screen where I got to spot some familiar names.

When the employees and guests were [almost] through in filling up their stomachs, the first portion of the program started. Senior Technical Manager Jay Yanezza and Mario Robles went on stage to honor the individuals who had made a huge achievement in the community outside of Trend Micro. Tech Support’s Kevin Bautista and McAllen Cacacho, together with the four other finalists came infront, walked the runway and introduced themselves. Each nominee’s profile and taped interview was then flashed onscreen for the judges and the audience to watch. My short attention span started to go shorter until all of the six individuals were invited onstage to answer the judges’ questions. Good thing there’s audience participation when we were asked to vote through SMS for our favorite nominee.

The Talented Trenders

After drawing the first part of the [sort of] major prizes, segment hosts Oscar Abendan and Paul Oliveria took over the center stage to lead the portion. Before presenting the performers, a video of the elimination process was projected in the monitor. I should say being a finalist was already such a huge feat after going through all those series of tests. Each finalist was introduced with an animated audio-visual presentation about the group.

While C3 showcased its hip-hop dancing skills, the bands of Unsigned, Chuck’s Band and Shyr touched everybody’s aural senses with their music.

Intermission

The momentum skyrocketed when the managers and directors conquered the stage during their production number. True enough, it was a grand production number because everybody was so game in strutting his/her stuff, showing everybody’s terpsichorean skills to the tune of the latest popular songs. SVP Tech Support and Site Executive Mitchel Chang wowed the crowd with his unabashed dance moves.

I thought that was it but when Japan’s Sr. Director for Marketing Takeshi Yoshida, in his Santa attire sang “It’s My Life,” I was able to say to myself, “Man, this is THE party!” He even surprised everyone when he took off his costume and transformed into a novelty artist with Bayani Agbayani’s “Ocho-ocho,” with his every step staying faithful to the original choreography.

Concert Artists

Then came the highlight of the show – the department presentations. Core Tech group number one with Chris Brown as the featured artist. I’d say they did great because their every move was precise.

Tech Support people started raiding the front side of the stage with their glue sticks when it was Rihanna’s time to shine. I thought I lost my voice as I was screaming in my headtone in the entire duration of their performance. Truly, the restless weeks of rehearsals have paid off. From the tango opening routine, to Carla Doros’ entrance on the motorbike to the seamless transitions and the well-rehearsed lip synch (I love that mineral water drinking part) to the last bow, the second contestant rocked the house.

Small Groups was the last to perform with Justin Beiber as their featured artist. They need a commendation for making the competition stiffer.

Winners Take Them All

Lalaine Gregorio of Core Tech emerged as the first-ever Trend Idol who bested five others. Unsigned took the trophy as this year’s Trender’s Got Talent winner. Tech Support people went berserk when the judges gave the nod to the Rihanna performance, beating the girlfriend-beater Chris Brown who placed second and Justin Beiber as third. This is the third consecutive year that our department won in this category.

Once upon a Sunday evening, when the skies failed to hold the heavy water, when the breeze chilled everybody’s skin, Trend Micro people had a blast going home smiling, satisfied and slightly sober. I may not have won any prize but I didn’t have a single reason to be a bitter gourd. After all, with all the fun that we had, who came home empty-handed?

The Party-meter – What’s hot and what’s not on the party. Our thermometer evaluates that.

Uppers

• Now that’s what we call concert stage! The set, with LED backdrop and fiberglass floor, equals to those seen on TV.
• Show-stopping dance number from the Managers and Directors with Mitchel Chang as the scene stealer.
• Japan’s Sr. Director for Marketing Takeshi Yoshida Bon Jovi and Bayani Agbayani’s song number proved a lot that officers could offer high entertainment value.
• Trend Micro is a nest of individuals with brimming potential. Everybody’s got talent!!!
• Yes, SMX is far but the company is so kind to provide us free transportation to make things easier and nearer.
• Trend’s big men were so reachable during the party after the show when they danced with the employees. It was very humbling of them to do that.
• The fact that there were slots for guests is very accommodating for Trend to do. Other companies don’t do this.
• Overflowing drinks in many varieties quenched everybody’s thirst for alcohol.
• Raffle prizes were generously provided to the employees.

Downers

• The first half of the program was kind of dragging. It tested the short attention span of the audience.
• Hosts lack the enthusiasm.
• Food, though many, lack the palatability that people we’re asking for. They’re just plain… bland.
• Glaring misspellings and grammatical errors on the Trend Idol AVP (Mettallic, Descrive, What do you think you should...) not to mention the poor quality of the videos with some indie film touch and a backdrop that looks… odd.
• Party started late.
• Party ended abruptly at around 12 midnight without any warning from the DJ. That left us on a cliffhanger.
• The photobooth closed very early. Of course participants opted to stay in the room for fear that their names might be called in the raffle.
• Kudos to some employees who took an effort to look like some concert celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna. Some arrived in their normal clothes while others look out of place for looking matronic in their wedding entourage attires.
• Dead air, dead air, a lot of dead air. It’s the hosts’ responsibility to keep the show alive. They could have roamed around the audience to divert people’s attention from the stage while performers were setting up.
• The sound system didn’t work well. There were only mics which made it difficult for the oral adjudication portion for the Trender’s Got Talent. The accompaniment was louder than the vocals.
• I didn’t get the voting system. Days before the event, an email was sent to everybody for voting. But it appeared that everything was scrapped out because SMS voting was introduced at the hall.

This is the original article that I've written. I don't know what would happen after the editor would blatantly censore my write-up.

Free Your Mind

You know that scene in 300 where the texture is kind of glossy, violent scenes are in slow motion and colors are sharp where red is so red?

That's my dream this afternoon and after one hour of sleep, I woke up, thinking, rethinking, and still trying to contemplate on that.

It's a scene where a faceless man was shot close-range at his nape, bullet traveled and got out of his forehead. Same scene repeated thrice as the shot gets closer until it's a close-up of the man's head. Blood spurted out.

That's the similar assassination scene of my Dad. And now I'm about to cry.

Il Padrino

TO ALL MY GODCHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS:

Don't be hopeful that I'll be like Santa who will be giving you a present this Christmas. Let me count the reasons:

1. I am geographically far from where you are and sending my gifts would be an additional expense.
   
2. I was never in your baptism to begin with and I did not authorize your parents to place my name in your baptismal certificate there and even... though I said no to some of them, there's this belief that one shouldn't turn down a forced invitation to be a child's godparent.
   
3. I am experiencing financial crisis and I believe that charity begins at home so I'd first feed my own needs and luxury, then share with my family before I could share something to others.
   
4. As far as I know, a Godparent's responsibility is to be a second or nth parent to the child in case his/her parents fail to do their jobs., unless, of course, your parents lack the sense of responsibility to raise you properly.
   
5. I am Grinch.
   
6. As a typical youngest and only son, I am selfish.
   
7. I am not fond of kids unless they are cute, brilliant, talented and well-behaved.