Il Padrino

TO ALL MY GODCHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS:

Don't be hopeful that I'll be like Santa who will be giving you a present this Christmas. Let me count the reasons:

1. I am geographically far from where you are and sending my gifts would be an additional expense.
   
2. I was never in your baptism to begin with and I did not authorize your parents to place my name in your baptismal certificate there and even... though I said no to some of them, there's this belief that one shouldn't turn down a forced invitation to be a child's godparent.
   
3. I am experiencing financial crisis and I believe that charity begins at home so I'd first feed my own needs and luxury, then share with my family before I could share something to others.
   
4. As far as I know, a Godparent's responsibility is to be a second or nth parent to the child in case his/her parents fail to do their jobs., unless, of course, your parents lack the sense of responsibility to raise you properly.
   
5. I am Grinch.
   
6. As a typical youngest and only son, I am selfish.
   
7. I am not fond of kids unless they are cute, brilliant, talented and well-behaved.