Bag-ong Tuig

This has been the loneliest new year's day I've ever had in my entire life. Alone in my dark room, I was seated on my bed, thinking what my life has been. I was supposed to cry my sadness and shake all those blues away but then, my system seemed to have dehydration that not a single teardrop could get out of my body. And then I realized, I was supposed to be happy.

It was a few minutes after the clock struck 12 midnight. People had finished with their eardrum-breaking Judas' belt and some other irritating firecrackers. While people outside were busy merry-making, I was in confusion on what my emotion should be on that moment. After several exchanges of SMS messages, I was waiting for a reply from a dear friend. But for whatever reasons, my being so kulit was one of them, she opted to keep silent and I was left on a cliffhanger, my mind wandering, thinking what must she be doing that I should be worried of.

Then everything seemed to stop. I remembered, one person could be lucky in his being alone. In the midst of a very terrible loneliness and worry, I found peace, freedom and refuge inside my quiet room. Not even thinking what drunk people were doing outside, this time, I was having my so-called God Moment again - the time when I only don't know that God is with me but also, when I feel His presence.

I was never a fan of new year's resolutions. Personally, they are just made by people who are only up to plans without thinking of practicabilities whether they could be executed or not. Instead, what I usually do is light a candle, as I gaze at its blinding light, assess how my life was for the past year, thank God for everything, and pray for His guidance for the coming year.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to buy a candle. Secondly, I didn't feel like doing it. But for something unexplainable, there was a strong force that told me to assess myself and see what are the gifts that I have received this new year's day.

I never received any material thing from anybody. Well, there was one - the black Mossimo shirt that Caro gave me. And I should really be thankful to her for that. But I'm not really a material guy. Cards or simple letters from my loved ones would mean so much for me because behind those constructions of words, I could feel one's sincerity and love for me. Unluckily, I never received one, not even from my Mom and I could understand her for that.

But I still have three things today - respect, friendship and patience. It was a misfortune not to receive world peace but at these times of greed, I don't think it's attainable. Anyway, let me point out each of them.

Respect

It's not for me. I had been so irritated with people teasing me with "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo (replacing his name with mine)" that that darn Benter authored. But so much for that, I try myself not to be affected by that petty thing. I know myself better than anybody else does so why bother?

Im referring to Batlita, the girl we had been constantly chastizing for her overwhelming alembong. These past week, I realized I was so mean with her, delivering all her quotable lines in public and mimicking some of her gestures. In short, I don't respect her as a woman.

As an only Homo sapiens sapiens with XY chromosomes in an environment of egg cells, I was raced to be extra-sensitive to anybody who carries the female gametes. I grew up witnessing how a woman could fight for her children's life in order to survive in this double-standard society. In addition, though I grew up remembering what a gambler my father was, my mother and sisters still instilled in my mind how a perfect gentleman he was.

If my dad is seeing me right now, would he be proud of me? I don't think so. It's so unbecoming of a good man. If I'll be an example in a Set Theory chapter, I would be included in the majority population of jerks, who think only of the female anatomy, not minding their value as a woman. It is such a shame for me.

I've decided, I had to stop this, before it's too late.

Friendship

Although I'm sad that the girl I really really love does not, will not, and cannot love me back, I'm still thankful to her that we're still friends. To add to that, I feel happier that she trusts me so much by opening up her problems to me without hesitations. I would be lying if I'd say I'm not hurt specially when she talks about her guy but it's our friendship that matters.

I'm just so overprotective with my friends and if I find out that somebody is making a fool of them, then I'm going to haunt that somebody. But for whatever decisions she's gonna be doing, I promised to just be behind her. As a friend, I will be her support. And if she fails, I'll be just behind her to catch her fall.

Patience

This is something that bothers me these past weeks. I've been crying in my sleep, doubting the possibility that Miss Right will come along my way.

I must have forgotten that I had surrendered the pen of my life to God, lifting up everything to Him. Along with that pen is a tale of my own love story. It has long started with my search for her. It may or may not be Pheebs, but I hope it's her, I would still be waiting for her. I'm still 24.

Learning to love my future spouse through patiently waiting, consistently hoping andloving by the high standard to which I have been called is the thing called faithfulness. It is like a tree that patiently endures torid winds and rains only to make itself sturdier every end of each season.

I should be a male Penelope, patiently waiting for my woman to come, preparing my white tapestry as my present to her when she comes.