Share Ko Lang

As an official Apo ni Einstein (1998), I adore to learn everything (I mean almost) about my Lolo. To the people who think that I'm crazy, Albert is not really biologically related to me, nor to any of the Apo's ni Einstein. It was just the name given to the top 2.21% intellectually-gifted, fourth year students of the Special Science Curriculum of Agusan National High School. Wherever that place is, basta, it's part of the Universe.

Let me just share to you something about his idea of love. Let me quote:

"Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man/woman of deeds and not for the man/woman of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man/woman you love, but the man/woman who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.

"To let go of someone doesn't mean you had to stop loving. It only means that you allow a person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you. But rather, let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it . . .

"You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance and not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for though this can sustain life, but it can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what the reality is today . . .

"There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and handsome/beautiful, and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes part of our everyday lives, and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship, we start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer. But in the end if our efforts are still unrewarded, we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving ...

"Don't let your heart run your life. Be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. And when it does, pray that it may be the LOVE that will stay. . . and last a lifetime . . .

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

Is this possible for a stone-hearted person like me? I don't think so. Basta, share ko lang.

Pedophile

Pumatol ako sa isa'ng bata... but not sexually. Ha ha ha! I just had a face off with an eight year old girl this afternoon.

I had been rehearsing this piece from a Broadway musical since last year and among the pieces that I've received from my teacher, this was the only one that I liked the most. Perhaps because I'm really a big Broadway fan and a self-confessed stage actor wannabe. It so happened that this kid also liked the piece and had been so eager to make it her solo song.

This afternoon, Ma'am Luz made me stay longer so that I could listen to the kid sing and so I did. She said that the child could give justice to the song more than I could so my mind was already wandering scanning through her book of some other familiar songs that I could learn in three weeks, thinking that I would be asked later to look for another song. I've already thought of Josh Groban's "When You Say You Love Me" or "She's Out of My Life." Little did I know that it was going to be a decision time because she let me sing that same piece so that she could decide right away who's going to get the piece. Ako naman, sineryoso at uminom ng isang galong tubig to lubricate my throat. Ha ha.

To make the short story shorter, I got the piece and the poor child would be given another piece by tomorrow (Casper's "Remember Me this Way). Oh well. I was just challenged. Ha ha!

Leaping a Mile

A friend called me up half an hour ago sharing me about some trouble she's experiencing from her former boyfriend's present girlfriend. The latter has been bombarding her with a lot of questions and doubts about their present situation with the guy. The former is already annoyed because I know that she has already moved on, in fact, it was her who called their relationship quits and she's happy with her current boyfriend who I'm still wondering why they haven't gotten married yet. I am starting to think that she's really waiting for me to propose to her. He he he. Anyway, I told her to just ignore the girl or perhaps tell her to stop harassing her with those questions because she's so done with the guy. I even told her to give her that funny line, "You're so annoying. You're making my forehead connote." She just laughed at it and decided to delete the girl and the guy from her friends' list. I hope she'll really do it and silently tell them "You're so deleted."

What surprised me more is that the guy is still not over her. It's sweet to know that the guy tries hard to prove to her that he's worth it. He was able to find a steady job, he's taking his maturity at a higher level, and he's able to express how he feels for her. But it's too late. She has already moved on. If he knows me personally, I would have told him to move on as well and take the experience positively. It's good that she has taught him to be a better person. It's even great that his love was somehow reciprocated. But it's the best for him to move forward and look for a girl who he could love and also who could love him back.

I realized my being a matchmaker is way too much. I sound already sound so assertive. I think I should shut up.

Loveletter

My Everdearest,

The first time you have laid your eyes on me, I knew you loved me. There's nobody in this world who could love me more than you do and I will forever be grateful to you because of that.

You have been behind me in every endeavor that I've had. Though you never said, not even once, that I could do it, I could see that you always believed in my capacity since you show your big disappointment whenever I would fail. You are not the type who cheers for me in a very huge crowd. In your silent prayers, you've shown your support, which I feel more important than anything else.

I could feel that you love me just because it is your responsibility to do so but I won't take it against you. The fact that you are always there for me, behind me, to catch me in my fall to be a shoulder to cry on, is already a big thing.

You never kissed me goodnight nor said "I love you," and I can understand you. For a girl who grew up thinking only of survival, being cuddly and affectionate is already a luxury and a waste of time. Thank goodness to friends and teachers who teach me the value of appreciation and showing my affection that I would be able to share it to my children.

We have had a lot of bad times. You've yelled at me, and beaten me to death and I hated you but I didn't have a choice but to stay with you because I had to. There are many times when logic and fairness don't exist on you and I started questioning God why He sent me to you. I felt it was a hell living inside the house with a monster who can't understand me.

But maturity taught me that all that you've done for me is for my good. And people around you praise you for nurturing me with values and turning me into a good man. I know I'm not a perfect one but you've wrapped me to be a better package than most of the things in this world.

You have been my shield, my pillar, my strength because I'm a weakling. You tell me to go but your eyes say otherwise. The letters you're sending start to be emotional than the usual news reporting. You miss me and I feel the same thing.

Ma, on this day, I pay homage to you as my mentor, my provider and my mom. I used to think that you were not my friend but recalling those times when I felt so down, you were my confidante. Hay, I don't know what to do if you're not around.

Happy mother's day Ma. I wish I'm there to bring you flowers and cook for you. I miss you so badly.

Third

Patience

Great things are worth waiting for. That's the virtue of patience.

I thank God I met you. I thank God I'm in Batanes. Waiting for our next meeting would have been a very grueling experience for me.

Thank you. Thank you that you're waiting for me. I thank you for continuously believing in me. I thank you for also being patient with me.

I know humps and bumps will go along the way but I pray that things will fall perfectly for both of us. It's illogical but some imperfect things would appear perfect if we have love.

I catch myself smiling alone. I know why. I have the thought that there you are, miles away, waiting for me and here I am, waiting to meet the lovely lady who keeps telling me that I make her smile and laugh.

Mudra

It's mother's day today and though I'm not excited with my new role in our program, I'm glad that I have a good news for my mom.

It was Saturday afternoon when I finally informed her about my promotion. Though it's only through text message, I've sensed the sincerity in her reply. Like any other parent, she's happy for me.

Here's how her reply went:

I'm so happy for and proud of you, anak. Mana ka talaga sa akin. Hindi ako nagkamali sa pagpapalaki sa 'yo.

I have great confidence that you can fulfill your new responsibilities. Don't let your fear overpower you. Kaya mo 'yan.

Yep. She texted me in Tagalog. She made it a law that we would be writing in English or Filipino only (Thank goodness because Cebuano is difficult to spell).

Mama, I've run out of nice words to say but I think that my heart wants to tell you "Thank you so much for everything and I love you." I hope that I will continuously make you proud of me. Happy Mother's Day! And yeah, manang-mana ako sa 'yo when it comes to my talent in criticizing people.

P. S.

To My Auntie Aning, thank you also for being a mother to me. You may not be blessed with a biological child but you have us. We're fortunate to have you.

Busy!!!

If you know me well, I have a lot of pet peeves. Normal earthlings call it issues. One of them is hearing the line "I'm busy." I believe that it's just a very lousy alibi. You can say the task or favor given to you is NOT ON YOUR PRIORITIES. I would understand that honesty. But busy? Come on! Everybody is busy!

So there's this supervisor at work who's being featured in our company magazine. Since everybody was BUSY, we didn't have the time to do a one-on-one interview with her. Instead, we sent her a set of questions first week of December. Last week, she still hadn't replied to that email. So we sent her a follow up email. And she promised that she will send it end of business day of Wednesday. Lo and behold, Wednesday was over, then Thursday, then Friday. So, in my sarcastic tone, I sent her this:

Hi Ma’am! We understand that you really are so busy right now but we would like to follow up on this. We are also as busy as you are and I hope you find time in answering the questions that don’t require too much of our brain cells anyway.

Ha ha ha! I know that's so discourteous but the hell I care. Finally, she replied yesterday:

I AM TERRIBLY SORRY FOR THE DELAY. My bad as I missed to answer this immediately after it was sent sometime in December. As we are all aware, everybody was so busy with their own tasks and assigned activities, you too, I believe so. I was supposed to answer these questions at home as I went on leave on January 15th-16th NABU. Yes, I certainly agree that it won’t require too much of our brain cells. However, my son was rushed to the hospital on January 15th which requires our immediate attention and which we believe is more important to attend to than anything else. Again, my apologies…

Okay, I am accepting your being terribly sorry. Now let's move on. To my surprise, I saw this on my FB newsfeed hours later:

And it's coming from her. At first, I was shocked. And I knew it was me who she's been pointing at.

It's just funny that some people are still so immature that they express their anger (or whatever emotions their hypothalamus secretes) to Facebook where everybody could read when they only want to tell that to one person only. Whatever happened to notes, letter, SMS, emails, and even a private message on Facebook?

I won't say I'm not affected. I am affected - in a very amusing way. Why? Because I generated an emotion from somebody who is supposed to be so busy! But then again, I would also like to express my views on said post.

First, the term "brain cells" isn't highfalutin. That's so grade 4.

Second, "Sumira ng araw ko kanina" doesn't sound right because a day consists of 24 hours, or from sun up to sun down and by posting it in the afternoon, it seems she has lost track of the time, or the sun for that matter. It should be "sumira ng araw ko ngayon" or simply "sumira ng araw ko."

Third, being intelligent is not a feeling, it is a fact evidenced by IQ tests.

Fourth, it took me a few minutes to understand "dhel." I thought you were just too jologs to spell a computer brand but my God! If you can't properly spell simple Filipino words such as "dahil," get back to Grade 1. Mind you, when I joined the pagbabaybay sa Filipino in first grade, that word wasn't one of them because that's so basic. And it's not highfalutin. Ha ha ha!

Finally, a big thank you. Being called an asshole is music to my ears.

I'm still checking our company's code of conduct to check at what point am I going to submit a feedback for you. In case you don't know, there's what we call feedback where you can complain against me, instead of posting your threat on Facebook where the rest of your 500+ friends are innocent.

So What If You Take the Public Commute?

We have heard some local showbiz personalities taking the public transportation (LRT, MRT, jeepney and all the she bangs) recently all because of the unbearable and still unresolved traffic caused by the overabundance of cars and the lack of discipline and respect to the traffic laws that have been poorly enforced to begin with.

While a lot of people admire these artistas for being practical and able to endure the overcrowded train, I don't see anything buzzworthy with it. I mean, yes, they are celebrities, popular, and they can afford private cars but what's the big deal?

I think that the reason masses get gaga screaming (and fainting) whenever they see these stars is that these personalities are inaccessible except in mall shows, fiesta, or free premiere nights. Other than that, people have to spend money to see them personally.

In Hollywood, the likes of Keanu Reeves take the subway regularly and it's a common sight. We don't see it in TMZ. It's not in any headline of a showbiz news, except when their clothes are fashionably unflattering.

The Philippines is such a celebrity-crazy culture and I think that the huge part of who should take the blame is the media. They hype ordinary matters such as this. So what if they take the public commute? Does that mean our "ordinary" commoners have to be extra privileged for being their co-passengers? Do our public transport have to be thankful to them for what they did?

Big deal!

Let's Talk Politics

I know this is a bit late but it's better to be posted late than never.

30 million pesos for the consitutional assembly? Is the Philippines that rich to be wasting a lot of our lent finances from the World Bank?

And why are these politicians' asses itching like there's some sort of flea inside their undies that they want our consitution to be changed? Oh, I must have forgotten. They want to extend their term, which would extend their power, which would follow that they could have longer time to abuse it, to steal money from Juan dela Cruz' long-bankrupt pocket. It's so untimely.

And if our constitution should be changed, I don't want it to be parliamentary. In our present state, there's even obvious politicking and cheating during the elections when we directly choose our leader, what's more if the parliamentarians would choose the Prime Minster for us? In this kind of culture, there would be much more conspiracy, graft, injustice... blah blah blah. Ah ewan! I don't even believe in our government anymore. Moreso, I would never believe that our country would rise anymore. NEVER.

-o0o-

Another example of racism. DOJ secretary and another malaking tae signed another treaty with the US Ambassador to let Lance Corporal Smith be detained in the US Embassy. Why give that criminal a darn special treatment, when in the first place, HE IS A CRIMINAL?

Even Erap isn't given that special treatment just for the heck of being a former president. What's wrong with us? Americans are not our Gods?

I'm even wondering why Gonzales has been appointed as DOJ secretary when he is ignorant about the law.

-o0o-

Speaking of our country pretending to be rich, my friend from Cebu informed me through SMS that the recent ASEAN summit held in that city shows that poverty is something not experienced by this country. It's too painful to know that my taxes, our taxes just go for those fluorishings and decorations just to wear a mask that we, Filipinos, are OK, amidst all the crisis and calamities that are slowly killing us.

If there's one word that would describe our midget leader, it would be plastic.

-o0o-

Kiko (Matsing) Pangilinan doing an advertisement with the megastar for Lucky Me pancit canton? Tingnan mo nga naman. Even an obviously non-marketable face is forcing himself to endorse a product just to gain public exposure every hour or less. What can I say? May 2007 is fast-approaching and politicians will do everything they could in order to win.

-o0o-

I don't like the way Bianca Gonzales pronounces the word "damage" in the Pantene advertisement. It's so jologs. Shame. The way she opens her mouth doesn't represent her university well. I have high expectations pa naman for her school.

-o0o-

Thanks to Bench that they've finally realized that their billboards suck. Extreme close-up shots of their endorsers make them look like some cartoon characters wherein their heads are bigger than their bodies. And what's with the photoshopped faces? Even Alessandra de Rossi and Richard Gomez look so ugly.

Finally, their pictures are better now. But then again, Zanjoe's face still looks like a mongoloid. Bakit ba naging modelo yang mukhang tanga na yan?

Congrats and Thank You

Finally, the agony is over. I didn't make it to the UP College of Law. My dreams were right. And I have a feeling that I'll end up enrolling in FSUU. UP isn't just for me, yet. I feel bad. Really. But I have already readied myself the big possibility that I wouldn't pass.

Anyway, it's over. I shall move on. Don't worry, I won't slit my wrist. In a way I'm happy my stuff of nightmares are over. It brings me down to the real question - What do I want? To be enrolled in UP or to be a lawyer? In reality, we can't have both all the time. I'll choose the second one.

What I'm really really happy for is that my sister is pregnant. The other sister. Ate Doreen. I was really surprised when she told me about it through the phone just this evening. She's five months pregnant and it's a boy!

I had so many questions that I forgot to congratulate her - her myoma, would she be discharged as a government employee and of course who the father is. My sister has a place in show business because she doesn't want to name the father though he already knew that he's going to father. She even intends to use our name in the birth certificate. She's just practical because she's vocal about her not planning to marry and have the problems married women have. And I 100% support her decision.

Now my responsibility comes again as the one who'll look for the right name for the child. Whoa!

And since the results for the UP LAE are out, I shall declare this blogsite open again.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to a food tasting activity somewhere in Greenhills. I snubbed the invitation. Then a photographer sent his packages. I didn't care about it. Then yesterday, some wedding coordinator sent her prices and stuff and I was like what?!

Then just today, I received a call from a hotel in Bohol/Boracay/Pangasinan telling me that I've won a free three-day accomodation and I was still puzzled. Then I later understood why I have been receiving messages from wedding suppliers. I've registered my real email to this wedding exhibit that was held sometime in June or July and I totally forgot about it.

So this hotel manager or representative asked me several questions. Aba't pinanindigan ko na talaga ang mga kasinungalingan ko. Here's how the conversation went after all the name introduction and all.

Hotel Rep (HR): Are you already married, Sir?

Me: No. Not yet.

HR: But you're engaged?

Me: Uhm... Yes I am engaged.

HR: May I know what your occupation is?

Me: I'm a student.

HR: I see. But do you have any source of income?

Me: I'm applying for a part time job.

HR: How about your fiancee, Sir. What is her job?

Me: She's a teacher.

HR: May I know the name of her school?

Me: Uhm... I don't think I would have to divulge that information. Besides, is that really necessary for me to claim my prize?

HR: Not really, Sir. But I would like to invite you to come to our office at (address) so that we could explain this gift certificate.

I've asked several other questions which were courteously and clearly answered by the representative. Unfortunately, I don't have time to claim it tomorrow because I'll be going to Ateneo to join the Bonfire and I've invited HER to come with me. I'm still awaiting her reply.

Update: 11:07 AM. I got a reply from her asking what the occasion would be. I called her up, and she said yes. He he he.

Parody

And I'm back to "film making and editing" via Youtube. Thanks to Janice who inspired me to make a Parody of the gayest Kpop music video ever from 2PM. Ha ha ha. Out of boredom, I was able to create funny (hopefully) lyrics.

If you are interested, here is the video that I've made.

I just hope (webbed fingers crossed) that I won't get a threat from KPop fans for bastardizing their idol group that I could walk along the street without fear of having a highly acidic and corrosive substance thrown at my handsome face nor will I get calls or notes that my family and I will be killed. I might call for a press conference and cry out loud saying "Tao rin ako at nasasaktan" and hyperventilate after. Ha ha ha!

Inirapan Ako

Remember the teacher who I complained to the principal? I finally met her again in my niece's classroom. The principal decided to transfer the child to another class where the potentially fast learners are found and where one excellent teacher supervises.

Let me give you a flashback first. On December 21, our neighbor, whose number was registered when my niece was enrolled in the school, got a text message from the teacher inviting me to meet with the principal. I snubbed it because it's so unlikely for the one who's accused to summon the complainant. Plus had she been professional enough, she should have asked for my number from our neighbor to have me directly contacted. I had given my numbers (my mobile and home phone) to the principal's secretary but to some reason, they weren't able to have it.

January 4 came and the kids were back to school. Lilet, their nanny, was told by the teacher that she wanted to see me. And then she said in Visayan, "Who is he? What is his rank? I could sue him for what he did."

I got totally pissed. I felt my head was really very hot. And then my entire body went more than 36.7 degrees Celsius. I had a fever. A high fever even. And I suffered for six days vomiting, shivering, and losing my appetite. With no health insurance, I had to endure it. Plus, I felt secure that I have a mom with me. I miss this - my mom taking care of me and checking me every now and then. I already got paranoid that I thought I might have dengue or typhoid or UTI (which is so improbable with my camel-like attitude in drinking water) but I got okay on Sunday.

Monday came. Still pale and a little dizzy, I went to school. After some discussions, the principal suggested to have the child transferred to another teacher. With my mom's approval, Gwen was transferred to a morning school on Wednesday, January 13.

Back to the present. When I went to school to fetch Gwen, I saw her former teacher who gave me those stabbing eyes that might tear me any minute. I just looked at her with my more sarcastic face. Tapos inirapan niya ako. The nerve.

I thought of not writing her name to protect her reputation but after the glaring unprofessionalism that she exhibited, it is but right to give this bitch a dose of her own medicine. Miss Arlyn Jane S. Cordova, you don't deserve to be a teacher. You don't deserve to be a part of the SPED. You should go to the mountain and plant camote.

Diva

I never knew how to make hats until my niece ordered one from me.

After seeing an episode of "The Sweet Life" where Lucy introduced some mini hats made by this designer I ruthlessly criticized in my previous post (PBB), Gwen told me that she wants one of them. Knowing Butuan whose ten years behind everything including fashion, I wasn't able to find one mini hat so I had to make one.

After two days of doing my specialty which is papier mache, painting and gluing some tulle and adding the dramatic cabbage rose with feathers, voila, I had created a mini hat that is not that mini and looks like a homework. Ang pangit. My niece loves it so she wore it in her Christmas party where she wasn't enjoying at all.

They were told to bring a star. While her classmates had those made of cardboards and some had those blinking wands, she brought the one for our Christmas tree because it's gold and it has an angel in the middle of it. I really love her idea of being different. A month ago, she chose to draw 40 umbrellas when their teacher assigned them to draw 40 objects. Her yaya told her to draw hearts because it's easy but she asked me to teach her how to draw an umbrella. That's thinking out of the box.

Anyway, the party ended with her only eating half a slice of chiffon cake and a cone of ice cream. She didn't touch the spaghetti and some other food because she knew that they don't taste good and she's right. They are awful. She didn't join her classmates picking those candies saying "Candies lang. They cause tooth decay." Vain. And the way to motivate her to do some stuff like finishing her meal or taking a nap - for her to grow tall and become a beauty queen.

A Long and Whining Road

Most of the time, I've accepted that I'm an irresponsible person. Most of those times, I believe that I'm born with anger and fury but I don't have the courage to vent out my anger. I don't speak up. I just mumble in one corner because I know that I'm just a voice and that I couldn't be heard. I am right.

I'm quite confused why I belong to a family where I find myself lost in the middle of nowhere. Yes, I don't have a father. I know that. It's not the problem. OK. I admit. It affected my development as a boy but who cares? I would have been a worse person had my father been alive. See what I mean?

This family is totally dysfunctional. Having an eldest sister who thinks nothing but lust and selfishness is a pain in the ass. What she feels is never love. If I have the power and the money, I would hire a person to gun her down together with her ugly, jobless, vicious asshole husband. They don't deserve a space in this world. I should not feel hatred for her. It only means that I still have something for this worthless sister, and I hate myself for that. Hatred is not the absence of love, it is indifference.

I'm beginning to hate my mother now. I don't understand how menopause makes the hormones take control of one's logical capacity. What I know is that she's losing her ability to decide what is right, what is just, and what is due for her family. She keeps on disappointing me with her poor discernment, her wrong setting of priorities, her unwise decisions.

While I am aware that her life has been an almost 58-year old telenovela, I just don't get it why she is shedding off her supposed responsibilities and pass them all to us when we, her children, have never asked her at all to be born in this crazy world. I don't understand why most parents are like that. And I hate it more when she's passing all her frustrations to her children.

I'm just disappointed how she reacts to the expenses she's been having for the kids. I don't like it how she complains about the kids' tuition fees when she even has the money to send Ling-ling, her beloved daughter who doesn't even possess even a taint of her blood, to a private school. I don't understand it why she doesn't pressure Ate Eden to look for a job to raise her kids. I hate her for choosing Lingling over Ate Doreen. I hate it more for acting like she's God that she doesn't even made any effort to reconcile with her daughter. I don't understand why I have to do this when I also have a life of my own.

I don't understand why she chose to make Ate and I unworthy of her love and respect. Honestly, if I were to have only one wish for Christmas, it would be her reconciliation with Ate Doreen. I hope it will be realized. I seldom ask for something and I hope I would be heard.

My brain does not work right now. I think I'm getting insane. I need fresh air where I could smoke.

Sunday Sobs

I won't have to go into details but aside from the sad and old songs played on the radio, there were things that I had realized. From the Kerygma Feast to the bonfire to going home, there were some truths that made me contemplate on matters that I've been ignoring.

• We create our own miracles. Aside from prayers, we also need actions. The need for a miracle made my Mom decide to pray too hard and look for money in order to buy for my medicines when I was unconscious for three days after a vehicular accident.
  
• Miracle made me pass the board exam. My family's enormous prayers, my sense of focus and self-motivation worked hand in hand in making me become an engineer.
  
• People had gone into deeper shit than I had. I should feel blessed.
  
• The earth is just a tiny speck compared to the entire outer space. I am too much small compared to the entirety of this vastness called unexplored universe and should remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me.
  
• It feels awkward when you don't have anybody to interact with when the speaker tells you to talk to somebody beside you. Though I didn't feel embarrassed knowing that nobody saw me sobbing, I think I would have felt better had there been a friend who comforted me at that time.
  
• I am emotionally weak. I am so safe with my life that I don't want to be bruised. I'm missing a lot.
  
• People look at me with high regard but I still think I'm nothing compared to a lot of people. But I am still very much proud of myself.
  
• I learn so much less about life. Thanks to people who tell me what life is.
  
• I would like to thank people who teach me things that I need to learn. Whoever you are, you know it. You have all contributed to my growth as a person.
  
• I am very much idealistic when it comes to love. Do I need to compromise some things?
  
• I am still immature. I need to grow up.

Some of these realizations made my eyes start welling while having the fellowship without me knowing. Somehow, it made me feel lighter. It made me happier. It made me a better person.

Asshole Number 2

This is Chris-chufer Subijano. He says he is an engineer and wants to be a lawyer someday. He USED TO be my friend in Beda to the point that I've confided my problems with him. Too bad. He's worse than any gossiper from a slum area because he talked about me behind my back to the point of making fun of me. I felt betrayed that I wanted to literally stab him. It saddened me big time because I choose my friends and it turned out that I got a very bad choice.

Along with leaving San Beda, I also took the lesson learned to not trust anybody just like that. There are only a few guys in this world who are real and he's not one of them.

What pissed me this evening is when Sha sent me a transcript of her conversation with Chris. He was so rude to my other classmate and he included me in their discussion which made me think, what is his problem with me?

Here's their conversation and my comments (which are not included in the conversation) are written in italics:

Him: bading si r*m? puta sabi ko na nga ba e
Sha: di mo lam?
Him: naaamoy ko lang (Bading rin kasi siya. It takes one to know one.)
Sha: haha. american yung bf niya. pumunta nga dito nung oct e :D:D
Him: sabi ko na e. nye! kaya pala di nakapag finals. natira sa pwet. wahahahaha. (Just imagine if all lawyers will think and say this way, ano nang kinabukasan ng bansa natin?)
Sha: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Him: tangina kaya pala magkasundo sila ni third (At biglang nasali ako.)
Sha: GAGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Him: lol
Sha: excuse me di bading si third
Him: bading yun. di pa lang nya alam (Wow! Kilala niya ako.)
Sha: noooooooooooo. :\:\ may girlaloo na yon ngayon (Sha, wala pa. Huwag mo akong pangunahan. Ha ha ha!)
Him: madaming ganyang kaso. madami na ako nakilalang ganyan. mga late bloomer case. it's either nilalabanan nya ang feelings or tinatago or ayaw i admit. (At isa na si Chrischufer Subijano dun)
Sha: no i dont think he's like that. xempre kami din alam namin yan almost 90% ng lalake sa UP bading haha!
Him: i have a lot of friends who are psychologists and handling such cases kagaya ni third na lumaking walang father figure or kuya figure and 8 out of 10, nauuwi sa pagiging bading (Wow! Very substantial statement with some statistics and research from so-called psychologist friends. Bakit kaya di nila natingnan si Chris?)
Sha: lol we also have a lot of psychologists in UP :P:P
Him: and the rest, eh napaglabanan
Sha: yeah but dont judge them agad. anton also grew up without a dad
Him: mas nakakasama ko si third pero kasi si anton malamang may barkadang lalaki
si third wala. puro babae ang kaibigan nya nung hs (I have guy friends and they're still my friends and I'm so happy to have them until now and I'm so glad to have chosen these friends)
Sha: kausap ko si third lagi di niyo lang alam...
Him: kausap mo lang
Sha: uhm, no. that's not true. >.> di lang girls friend niya
Him: ako katabi ko gabi gabi. lol
Sha: tsk but there's a big difference cause i dont want to say
Him: basta paninindigan kong bakla siya. (I should say good luck boy! You'll get older and die with that feeling of void in your life that you're disappointed because your assertion is wrong.)

Now tell me if he's not an asshole.

P.S.
He boasts of his "speaking engagements" in HIS church, talking about God. Talking about walking the talk? Tsk tsk. I really pity him. His is such a desperate and hopeless case.

P.P.S.
I'm really wondering what's in it for him if I'm straight, gay, bisexual, transgender or even a female? Will it make him a better person or in his case, will it make him look handsome or lose his weight and make his tummy small? I have three hypotheses why he spends time "researching" about me.

1. He is insecure at me that's why he keeps on hitting on me.
   
2. He might be gay and what he's doing is projection method.
   
3. He likes me and that disgusts me.

Plan B

About seven years ago, this college female friend presented to me her proposal that I didn't accept. Honestly, it caught me off-guard the first time I heard it from her. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't even sure how to react to it. But knowing her comic style, I didn't take it seriously. Do you want to know what kind of proposal is that? It's more serious than business. Closer to marriage proposal but it's somewhat funny - a back-up plan. She wanted to get married to me by the time she'll be 30 and both of us are still single.

I took it as a joke but with her constant reminder even when we talk it over the phone or through chat, I felt that she's getting more serious. Though she keeps on telling her friends that getting married to me is incestuous, I still think that there's a fine grain of truth in her joke and seriously, it's making me scared.

A couple of years ago, I told my Mom about it. And even my sister. Ate Doreen didn't react but my Mom, as expected, took it negatively. Perhaps it's because she was NEVER behind any ideas that I presented (and that made me realize why I feel I can't be a successful salesman) or maybe she thought it was a silly thing to do, or probably she's just my antagonist who wants to go the other way.

The scary part is, she is already 30 and we are still both legally single. I fully remember how her boyfriend reacted so violently when I told him (through SMS) to marry her because she might go for me in the end. I wanted to pressure him but apparently, they don't have plans of getting married yet. Or never. I just learned from her a week ago that her feelings have started to drift from him. As you know, my feelings for Cris is growing and I want to keep on cultivating it, I just don't know how.

This evening, I had a conversation with some friends and one of them is her brother. As I was talking about Cris, he just asked me "Why not Manang (Ate)?" and it made everybody laugh. Honestly, I really couldn't imagine this friend to be my lifetime partner. I mean she's undeniably intelligent, she's caring, she's kind of OC, resourceful, and she knows a lot of things. It's just that she's not really my type. We're both Virgos and our personalities clash. We're both perfectionists, too opinionated and we are not expressive when it comes to love. We are also opposites in such a manner that we keep on arguing. She keeps on nagging at my being a tornado (while cleaning my clutter). She points out my smelly body and feet which makes her sound like my older sister and I couldn't help but pay attention to her legs that are full of scars (Ha ha ha! Bad). She teases me for my vanity while I criticize her for her lackness from sense of style. She chastises me for investing on things that won't give me a clear-cut return on investment (i.e. voice lessons, Toastmasters) while I tell her that all her businesses never prospered. She makes fun of my scoliotic figure while I always tell her to lose weight. In short, seeing us together is a total riot. We are too noisy (in a very irritating way) that sometimes I choose to get inside my room and plug my ears while she keeps on talking. The only rest we have is when we're on cold war until one finally gives up and patch things up. And the cycle goes on and on.

I think that the back-up plan is silly but practical. But then again, I still want to get married to the girl I love and not to the one who I think could just give me security. But then again, I don't know what's in store for me, for us. One day, I might see myself receiving her hand and kissing her lips at the altar infront of some people we both treasure. But as of this time, that thought makes my face look like I have diarrhea.

Leche

Remember the previous blog that I posted wherein I won over a child in a face-off for a song? Well, I was told by my teacher yesterday through SMS that I would be singing another song - a Spanish one - which I really don't feel like singing. The reason? That brat didn't want to sing "Sa Ugoy ng Duyan" (which I really loved to sing anyway when I was still in the children's choir as it was a contest piece in NAMCYA).

Since she's a kid, and I'm this 27-year old person who has a better understanding, I should be the one to give way and learn this song in a week's time. Waaa! Good luck. What sores me is that foreign songs are difficult to properly pronounce and memorize and being unable to understand the language makes me difficult to give justice to whatever emotion the song warrants for.

On a brighter side, and on the boastful side of me, I thought that my teacher trusts me enough that she has given me a difficult song and the word "bravissimo" demands for a grand performance. God! What have I done to suffer like this?

I'm Having High Blood and Heart Attack

Wala bang technology na puwedeng lumusot ang bala sa telepono at tatama sa mapurol na utak ng bobong kustomer na 'to?

I'm pissed. Again? Bakit hinayaan ng Diyos na mabuhay at magparami ang mga taong walang utak? Bakit?