Kompyust

The good thing about TM is that you have a wide network of people who believe in your capabilities. Cam and I met Karen this afternoon to brief her of what will occur in the evaluation contest this Saturday. I gave her some tips on how to organize her notes, let her watch a speech and made a run-through of what the process of the contest is.

I evaluated how she did in her evaluation and I am confident that she will win. She just needs some minor polishing and she'll make it.

I also took the opportunity to bequeath to her my responsibilities as a VP for Education and an incoming president. As somebody who's next in line to me, she will be the President of the club should I go to Thailand next month. That made her shocked. That made her sad. That made her worry. Then light bulb moment.

She made me submit my resume to her company as trainer. Hopefully I'll get hired in a week. Else, kawawa siya. Ha ha ha!

Why am I Sad

I got the job offer to work in Thailand. That means I won't be a bum for long. But why am I sad?

Is it because I would leave Camanava TMC, miss my clubmates, and not become the club president for the second time? Public speaking is my vice and it's so difficult to just throw it all away.

Is it because I still haven't talked to Miss Crush about how I feel for her? It's like fading the love I feel for her before even it's being realized. Distance is such a huge barrier to nurture a relationship, that has never begun in the first place, granting that she's willing to raise our friendship to a higher level.

Is it because I'll miss my friends? I'll miss my family. I'll miss Divisoria and my home - SM Nork.

I'm sure there's a Toastmasters club or several Toastmasters clubs in Thailand. And I have the confidence in Karen or Audrey to run the club. There's a strong support from Cameron, Zaldy and Jeff.

I need to talk to her about how I feel for her. ASAP. Confidence and courage, possess me.

Part of the package is a vacation leave twice a year. It's just six months. The good thing is, I can save a lot because I'll be staying in a barrio, with food and accommodation shouldered by the company. That means I can buy all the gadgets I want every month or two and pay my debts at the same time. I also get the opportunity to go to other countries such as Hongkong, Singapore and Europe. In fact, the company is scheduled for a trade expo in Munich next year. Whoa!

So why should I be sad? I should be happy right? Right? Right?!

Smile

You know that feeling that you want to gallop on your way home because something great happened? Am I back to high school?

Explosion

My Mom is sick. Her helper is sick. My Lola is with them and she's also not well. My Mom's out-patient treatments didn't work so for economy reasons, she needs to be confined and have her medication continued for free. The problem is, her sisters won't take responsibility in taking care of their mother.

I had a chat conversations with one of my Aunts just a few minutes ago. I told her what the issue is. She demanded for money. My sister said the amount is too much. This Aunt is known to be overpricing everything just for the heck of getting money for her jobless husband. I got irritated because while I've been receiving all those rantings from my Mom, Ate was also telling me things on what to do or say or what not. AND I HATE TAKING FUCKING ORDERS. So I hung up the phone. I am not born to be an emotional sponge of people.

So since my Aunt was still online, I blurted out all that I needed to say on behalf of my Mom who couldn't be frank to them.

You need to talk with Auntie Carmen about Lola's case because Mom is about to give up.
She's planning to leave the house now.
You know well enough that when it comes to you, she's not so vocal about how she feels but for all you know she's already fed up of shouldering ALL the responsibilities that you too should have shared with.
To begin with, she's not only your parents' daughter but all her life, she's been through a lot of sacrifice. What's irritating is we, as her children, serve as stress-absorber because she doesn't have the courage to exhale all her grievances against you.
You should also take responsibility. You should also know how Mama feels about this. After all, she's just your sister.
If Mama leaves now, nobody will be left at home. If you won't feel the guilt, be apathetic.

Then I went offline. I know I'm rude. I know I'm harsh. I know I shouldn't have done that but things need to be told to make those blind and numb people aware that they need to take responsibilities of their existence.

This case makes me realize that when I'll reach my old age, I'd rather go to the home for the aged. At least, I won't know that my children are already pushing me away.

Poor

I was singling out what I've eating these past weeks which give me some rashes in my body. I've realized, I am also allergic to anything that is fermented - yes anything that has yeast in it - as in EVERYTHING. Food such as bread, cheese, cake, beer and wine are giving me this itch all over my body but I can't help but eat them. Are you kidding me? I cannot not eat bread! Ha ha ha!

I just hope God won't punish me further by making me allergic to rice and chocolates. Please lang Lord. Don't do that to me.

-o0o-

I am dateless today not by choice, not by cowardice, but because of poorness. I am so much broke that my plans to send Miss Crush a bouquet of flowers and including my short note in it wasn't realized. I was PLANNING of inviting her to go out on the last minute but yes, I am so poor. How could a well-established girl like her like somebody like me who, at this age, has not established financial stability?

This sucks so much. I won't forget this day.

-o0o-

On a happy note, today is TAF's anniversary. What started in a very noisy classroom flourished to something bigger and stronger like the friendship that we have. It is such a privilege to be a friend to Joanna, Ian, Junnah, Janice, Kim, Hunnie, Guy, Sam, Edz, Leah, Ivy and Marlyne.

Have I been a good friend to all my friends? I have a lot of shortcomings to them. I don't give them enough time. I haven't helped them that much. I think the best thing I've done to them was being loyal to them and defending them to death regardless if I appear as some lame-ass villain. As for the other friends I've had, outside of the group, I may appear to be some user-friendly individual but I never forget you as my friends. It's with a matter of prioritizing things but honestly, I can't put my original friends aside. That I can't do. What is 15 years compared to others? But still, you are my friends.

Moral Stand

I am starting to get annoyed when people ridicule me for being a virgin. That is my my moral stand and I hate it when I'm being questioned for having that stand. I mean fine, sex has a lot of benefits to them but it's not some product that one needs to sell to the point that he has to devalue the other product.

Tomorrow is going to be Valentine's Day. But I promise to myself that next Valentine's Day won't be the same. Ever.

-o0o-

The speech contest season and I'm more scared than excited. The pressure is on me. My speech isn't polished yet but I want to win in the district this time. So help me God.

Batman

I haven't gone out of the room for three consecutive days and Mommy landlady and her helper are worried about me. Even her grandchild Gelo, knocked on my door last night checking if I'm still okay.

I don't want to get out of my room. That's all. I don't feel sociable. So I pretended I'm sick. Little did they know that I've been cooking my own food here and I get out of the house to buy food when everybody's asleep.

Finally, Mommy told me to step out of my room and join her for lunch. They had paksiw which I don't really eat. So I forced a spoonful of rice with a little fish and told her I don't have the appetite. Then I went to the restroom to brush my teeth. Ha ha ha! Arte.

Con Artist

For as long as one person can have the capability to imagine, he can be anything anyone he wants to be.

I hate it when I am asked if I already have a girlfriend, or when I'm going to get married, or if I'm still single. It's as if it's going to affect my functionality as an individual. But then again, we are living in a judgmental world where something's wrong with you if you're still single. Therefore, I am abnormal.

It's the love month and people are having this I-need-to-have-a-date-on-the-14th-so-that-I-would-feel-I-would-be-called-and-Earthling itch is getting into their system. I am not really looking anymore. I just need to have the courage to invite her somewhere. But wait there's more. I need to have the finances to realize that.

Anyway, a long thread from a friend's status ended up with a question for me from a schoolmate. "Ikaw Duard, NAKA-GF ka na?" I take that not as a question but an insinuation. To end the conversation I told him that I don't have a girlfriend. But I have a friend... and a wife. End of story.

Likos

Mama just got home from the dermatologist. After more than two weeks of convincing her to see a doctor, she finally followed my persistent request order. We thought that the blisters on her skin were just normal chicken pox. She had them after New Year's Day and the wounds were healed before we went to Camiguin. She was treated with Aciclover but she still kept on complaining about her skin's itchiness.

Sometime after Christmas, she felt her chest was too tight that she's having difficulty breathing. In less than 24 hours, as soon as she was able to breathe well, I saw some watery sores on her skin and we thought it was chicken pox. Lo and behold, after all of us were healed, she still kept on saying that her left arm is still numb and that there's itchiness even underneath her skin.

The doctor said that what she had wasn't chicken pox. In our dialect, it's likos, a skin disease, still caused by the herpes virus, but a worse case than pox. The numbness of her arm was caused by the viruses that are affecting her nerve cells. What appeared to be okay on the outside isn't what is happening inside. The doctor said that this disease, if not treated immediately, this will last for almost a year, or worse, can cause paralysis, and even death, if the main blister grows near the head.

My Mom is just so lucky that hers grew on her arm. No wonder she had problems breathing when it started. The doctor gave her several shots to kill the viruses. I think this is also the so-called complication when one acquires chicken pox when he's already old.

Bastos

I just don't understand it. It must be with the Filipino culture but it also has to do with one's manners. Call me so much thick-skinned but as much as possible, I grace somebody's invitation no matter how busy I am. I even got to the point of gate-crashing because my friend brought me to some parties that I was never invited. I know it's so unbecoming of a well-mannered person and I don't have to explain.

But then again, I don't think I've hurt a host's ego by turning down his invitation when I'm already at the site and that he has to go out of his house to let me come in. If I show up, I show up, get in, eat a little (or more), talk (or sleep when I'm freaking tired).

I've been turned down by this person once and being an egotist, it really pissed me big time. Had he decided to not get in, he should have parked his car far away from the house for me not to know that he is around. Or he shouldn't have come at all.

I can't explain it well but it annoys me. If he hates me, fine. He shouldn't have come. And it ALMOST happened again last night.

Sunburned

My skin is itchy and painful because of these lesions and the burn the sun in Camiguin had caused.

I think I'd better venture into sales because I've realized I'm so good at it. It took less than 30 minutes for me to convince my younger sister to treat us out to Camiguin, making her feel envious of our experience the other year, showing her the benefits the vacation would give her instead of spending her money on less-worthy things. Obviously, she took my advice and handed me the money.

I so much love the spontaneity of our family. Ling-ling, decided to treat us out at past 4 pm, I called the hotel for reservation at almost 6, we left for Balingoan at 3am the following day with all our things and some food to cook and reached Camiguin at 8am.

The rest, as they say, is history and I'm glad we did it.

Fly Away

Personally, I'm happy with what I have in this country. Sure I only have enough to support myself but if I'll have this kind of mentality, I won't grow up and I won't prosper. That makes me disqualified for husband-hood.

This holiday vacation gave me the chance to talk to my Mom and consult some things with her. She wants me to join the exodus of Filipinos who want to lie down in greener pastures and inhale a foreign atmosphere. I don't know if I have already written an entry that as much as possible, I don't want to work abroad because I am already happy here. But thinking about the things that might earn, I became open to the chance that I might fly away from my beloved Philippines...

...with some conditions though. First, I want to work within Southeast Asia so that I could fly back home whenever I'd feel bored and I need to go home on holidays.

It's as simple as that. I would surely be missing my Toastmasters family and friends but it'll just be temporary. Gagawin ko to para lang makapag-ipon.

The Third Wedding

I first met Guy when we were 12. Since then, he'd been my co-proponent in our investigatory projects from first to fourth year. I even remember how I used to make fun of his absent-mindedness even though he was the one who looked so attentive to the teacher and I was just chatting with my seatmates Andee and Ian.

We became dorm-mates til second year college until I was kicked out of school. I wouldn't have been allowed to study farther from Butuan had he not chosen to go to MSU-IIT. On the other hand, I would have had the privilege to go to UP had he chosen to have his DOST scholarship taken in UP.

Years had passed and he seemed to have drifted away from the group. I even felt guilty that I wasn't aware that his Mom passed away. I would have told the entire barkada to visit her wake and extend a help to Guy. But it was his choice to not inform us so I understood it.

Finally, he contacted me a couple of years ago about his interest to work in Cebu. Unfortunately, I was already in Manila then so I told him to contact Ian. I made sure that he would be properly taken care of in Cebu and I fully trusted Ian to do it. Since then, he had been constantly communicating with me, including his joke about his feeling for Junnah, which I took so seriously. I even offered to buy him a black barong for Junnah's wedding last April. Ha ha ha!1

Before Hunnie's wedding last year, he changed his status from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged" and the whole group congratulated him. Then we were invited. Hun's wedding came and he almost missed it. Thanks to her then fiancee Hanna, who helped him look for his long-sleeve shirt and slacks and pushed him to attend the occasion. Then we went island-hopping the following day.

The nice thing about our group is that we're so spontaneous that it really is very easy for us to continue where we've left off. The nicer thing is that, we instantly welcome somebody to be a part of us if he/she attempts to connect with us and if we like him/her. All the prejudices about Hanna were all gone when we finally met her. She's sweet, accommodating and a warm person that we felt an instant connection. I even appreciate her that she trusts me too much since she's been asking me of some ideas for her wedding.

Finally, December came and as the founder of the group, I PRESSURED everybody to join their wedding and I was successful. I have accepted that it is really in my nature to be pressuring people to do things that I want to happen and I think it's for the common good. :)

Since we are spontaneous, we changed the plan of leaving Butuan on December 27 to 28 since majority of us would be available on that date. We left the city at 4 AM, reached Tinuy-an Falls at past 8 and reached the pension house in Mangagoy, Bislig, Surigao del Sur, at past 10. The wedding began at past 3 and we had our reception at past 5.

The theme was Rock 'n Roll and the moment I received the invitation, I was already hesitant about it since what we were thinking was glam rock, gothic rock, punk rock - any kind of rock actually except the Elvis Prestley and Marilyn Monroe era but Hanna assured me that what we had in mind correct and she urged us to be in the theme so that was what I made sure to everybody.

I even had to check everybody in the pension house if they were okay to the point of making fun of Ivy's floral dress by asking her if Hawaiian is already the new rock. Good thing Janice brought a lot of spare dresses that she was able to change her attire. I had to make sure I was speck and span in our room since Ian was my roommate. From my pants, to my towel, to my toiletries, I had to make sure that they're in order because I didn't want to get reprimanded. I also had to minimize my noise. He he he.

I was really touched by Guy and Hanna because they kept on checking us if we were okay, when in fact, it was their day. The ceremony came and we made sure we were properly behaved. I even had to constantly remind Ivy to hold still and move on. Of course it was a joke but some people like Edz thought that Ivy and Guy had a past.

I was surprised to see Guy crying while walking along the aisle. I was even more surprised when I heard him cry while delivering his vow. I thought he only did that to hide some grammatical errors and mispronunciations. Ha ha ha!

Reception came and Junnah and I were the emcees. It's not really my cup of tea to be connecting with the people. Good thing teacher Junnah was there to make the event alive and made everybody responsive. There wasn't any flow of the program so everything was just impromptu. Hopefully, Guy and Hanna liked it.

What impressed me much were the videos that Guy created especially the well-documented wedding preparations. No wonder we are friends - he has the touch of artistry and creativity. He he.

Generally, I thought that their wedding was cool. It wasn't the usual prim-and-proper princess-y kind that not everybody understands and appreciates it. But it is their wedding and what matters is that the couple enjoyed it and so are the people who have joined them in the celebration of their union.

Three down for TAF, technically, 11 more to go. I'm looking forward for another wedding for the group and I'm working on mine. :)

I Think Therefore

I am human. And I think to be different from what is usual, from what is normal, from what is common.

This is my first blog of the year and I am looking forward to a lot of things. First is Ivy's wedding in May. Then our Back to HS Prom party on December 29. I don't want to call the latter as class reunion because we're not the official association. I just want to have something enjoyable and to draw a different perspective of party in Butuan City, something that is totally different from the usual drinking session. In fact, in our planned souvenir, we're even planning to put there "Back to HS Reunion - I was there and I wasn't drunk."

Before the year ended, I had opened myself to some possibilities like going abroad to work and be able to save some amount for my future. I need to have a direction and it has to start somewhere like my career.

I still have two weddings to blog about but I can't write them yet because my head aches. I've got a lot of rashes on my legs and I don't know what are these and these impede to my ability to think.

Happy New Year everyone!

My Head Needs Some Bonking

After buying a gift for Guy and Hanna's wedding, Junnah, Ian and I had our dinner. As always, I'm the subject of their jokes, with some rebounds against Junnah. Some funny exchanges of wits turned to something serious - about my attitude problem. Both people reprimanded me for being impulsive with my decisions, for being a rolling stone, and for not finishing what I started. I know it's my fault but I always have the argument that I can't continue with something that I'm not happy at.

If this would be my eternal defense, "forever" would just remain as a word to me. That also means that I can't hold on to a relationship the moment I can't get happy with it. But why have I stuck with the same friends for more than a decade? Why have I been enjoying with TM for three years now? Why have I maintained this blogsite for already five years?

Honestly, I'm in the middle of a limbo, AGAIN. I really want to know my place in this earth before I'll get consumed by this so-called quarter life crisis. Committing suicide is not an option. I still want to grow old with the woman I truly love.

But first, I need to grow up. NOW. And I need some bonking.

Always Ready

I have realized this evening that I'm almost always ready when a friend invites me to his very, not so very, and so not very special event. I must say that more than 50% of the invitations are accepted, not because I don't have anything much important to do (I must accept that there are still some instances where I'm totally free) but because I find time to free myself just for me to grace that invitation.

The question is, that does really mean that I'm a friend who's always on the go, who values a friend and not hurt him for being turned down, or am I just some boring individual who doesn't have any other things to do in life than to please his friends?

Happy Christmas

I was supposed to rant about what happened almost a week ago. Thank goodness for a very great internet connection here that God didn't permit me to post it. This is the season of happiness and negative things should have no space for my blogsite... yet.

So far, tonight's been nice. All in this house, including their moods, cooperated with my usual demands to wear their red attires, including my body itch that's been disturbing me. It's more than allergy.

It's my first time to prepare macaroni salad and I don't even know if it tastes right. I'm doing it for my Mom who so much adores the taste of that angled pasta drenched in that oh-so-yummy mayonnaise that I appreciate more than Kris Aquino. I couldn't control myself looking at the nanny mixing the pasta with just the mayo and some few amount of spices. Thank goodness to Google and its links that I was able to find a nice recipe and I headed to our sarisari store to gather some other ingredients such as carrots, eggs, chicken, cheese and pickles. They, including my niece and nephews, say it tastes okay. I appreciate their honesty and understatement. Ha ha!

Everybody received his gift except me. That's always the case. Since Ate Doreen left the house, I've gone to bed empty-handed but it's okay. As the season tells us, it's better to give than to receive. I understand my Mom hates to shop and she knows I can't appreciate her poor taste especially when it comes to fashion so she opted not to make an attempt. But at least, she could have handed me some cash. Ha ha ha!

I feel that our decoration looks boring. I think it's because it's been like this for five years and I feel I could put all the decorations blind-folded. The only consolation I have is to receive the commendations from our ultraconservative neighbors who assert that it's still better to get married than to be a single parent like Ate Doreen. The hell I care.

I'm still so much awake til now and I don't know how to get to sleep. I can't drink milk because I might wake up and stay at the restroom for a day. My digestive system is so much perky when I overeat.

Enjoying

The Christmas party held last Saturday was a blast! I didn't expect it to be that fun. People congratulate me for being able to put up an event like that and honestly, I don't deserve all the credit. It wouldn't have been that fun had those people chose not to come, not to participate and not to enjoy. I am just conceptualizer. The end product relied on the people.

Thinking, organizing and working on a project such as that is really tiring. But definitely, it is very much fulfilling. I enjoy doing it and I didn't have any complaints as long as people will do what I want them to do. Thank goodness there weren't any killjoys. Inviting some people even took a lot of pressure. I got to the point of threatening them that I won't talk to them for a year. "Excuse me, do I know you?" Ha ha ha! For some, I told them to stand by their promise that they will attend. As for some, I told them that it is a must. And I was successful enough. Though there were some people who tried to sabotage it, and they thought they were successful in convincing the others to boycott the event, pictures show that our party is very awesome.

I think I really enjoy doing it because it's been my frustration to come up with an event where all people cooperate, go with the theme, participate in the activities and really have fun without getting drunk and losing one's self. I am looking forward to organizing an event where people pole-vault when it comes to costumes, production, presentation, and even venue. That will ultimately happen. Impossible is nothing!

Here's is the video that I made:

Exhausted

I only had two hours of sleep. I attended the TM meeting this morning where Lynne was our general evaluator. I was nervous about her reaction when she saw me and I was surprised that when she got inside the venue, she greeted me like nothing happened. It made me feel happy because finally, before this year ends, I've made peace with one person.

Along the conversation, I've realized why Lynne and I get together well. She's a Capricorn. He he he. Oh well. But there's not a single romantic feeling I feel for her huh. It's still Cris. He he he.

Sweet December

It is already December! Aside from my much-awaited Christmas and New Year's Days, I also have a lot to look forward to for this month.

• December 9 - Ate Doreen's birthday. She'll be 35 but I won't tease her this time because though she's still single, she already has a baby.
  
  
• December 11 - Our Toastmasters area Christmas party. It was initially planned to be our home club's Christmas party then we decided to make it a joint party with our sister club. When I was invited to become the general evaluator of another club in our area, Zaldy, the party host, suggested to include them. Finally, after all the no-we're-going-to-hold-our-own-party and this-is-getting-confusing-because-some-officers-don't-like-the idea, the club presidents and the area governor finally agreed to make it an area party. Thank God I won't be the emcee but we are going to perform a Broadway medley. Since this is a party, I am tasked, again, to create an audio-visual presentation. Here I go sleepless days again!
  
  
• December 19 - Company Christmas party. Theme: Glam Rock. I think people have run out of party theme ideas that this would be the third party where rock is the theme. Hay.
  
  
• December 20 - Enriqueta's birthday. She'll be 61 this year and still getting more bitchy. Ha ha ha! I love you Ma!
  
  
• December 21 - Dylan's 3rd birthday. He's still three years old but he looks like he's 8. Ha ha ha!
  
  
• December 22 - Lilet's birthday. She's my kids' nanny and we're so thankful to have her. Amazing dedication to her job.
  
  
• December 25 - Christmas! Hay. I haven't shopped for my presents for them yet. Will I be able to do it? I'm really financially challenged.
  
  
• December 28 - Guy's wedding. I'll be the emcee. Again, the theme is rock but we can't wear black (except my jacket). Pressure for me. I have a feeling Guy gave me a role so that I won't have much time criticizing other people in the occasion.
  
  
• December 29 - Cha and Tim's wedding. I haven't received the invitation yet but Cha promised to include me in the guest list. I'm not yet sure but I'm quite positive about it. Hopefully, this wedding will be realized. They've been together since 1998. Nobody can beat that.
  
  
• December 30 - Rizal Day. How can I forget our national hero? Ha ha ha ha!
  
  
• December 31 - Preparation for Media Noche.

Now who says I'm not busy? Ha ha ha! I already had the ticket as early as February thinking that I would still be at school. What about my job? Who cares? Ha ha ha! I already have my plan on how to get away from being memo-ed. Plus I am applying for another job and hopefully I'll start working by January. So help me God.